Seasonal Wishes - belatedly discovered January 22, 2011
Thank you so much for your greetings and good wishes (which I have only just discovered due to the clumsy way I set up some of my inbox filters)
Reading your email really lifted my spirits - lifting people's spirits is something you are so good at doing. I am repeatedly impressed by the way that you (and not only you, but other friends from Africa too) are so fluent in the "language of warmth, encouragement and emotional support".
In fact as I think about that apparent "emotional fluency" it prompts me to consider it further and to write a longer post to share openly, instead of replying just to you.
I was at a Meet-up in London earlier this week, and was in conversation with a Ugandan. The evening had been about people sharing resources etc and various people's experiences. He was talking about helping a friend (another Ugandan) in the UK. As he spoke (regarding the kind of support that had been given and group actions that had been taken as a result, and final outcomes) I was struck once again by what I see as the "informal social support circles" that some of my African friends seem to have in such abundance. I think it is partly to do with greater "local community feeling" and was perhaps more in evidence in UK when I was a child than it seems to be now (but I am no sociologist - these are totally subjective comments).
What strikes me in my observations is not so much to do with the sharing of material resources (although that is part of it). It is more to do with the sharing of wisdom and concern. Perhaps that is connected with length of relationships and a history of trust and mutual support - as well a cultural norms of what it is okay for people to say to each other. I wonder what you think.
I think I come from a more private, independent and individualistic culture (or very small sub-culture perhaps)
where people deal with their own problems and do not "interfere" in the affairs of others unless they are strongly asked to do so. Some of the things I hear my African friends raising openly with each other I think I would be very cautious of raising with any of the people I know. We tend to keep our distance and expect to be responsible for ourselves - hence all our insurance policies.
By contrast I remember a conversation in Ago-Are. I forget what I had done (knocked something over perhaps or broken it). My companion said "Sorry". I was surprised and replied that it wasn't his fault - it was mine. He seemed surprised and replied that he knew if wasn't his fault, so I asked why he was apologising and saying "sorry" in that way. He replied along the lines that "your pain is my pain". I'm often reminded of that when I am at Fantsuam and for instance I perhaps stumble slightly as I am crossing the compound and a distance voice calls out "sorry-o".
People seem to "look out for each other" more in emotional ways as well - and regarding behaviour. It seems very supportive although I don't know how far I would really like to go from the comparatively isolated cultural norms that I know. There must be a fine line between welcome concern and unwelcome interference - but sometimes the African way does seem more appealing.
Ken, returning to you greetings - I also value our friendship enormously but I would never have the words to say so in the heartwarming way that you do - or to express good wishes to you and yours the way that you expressed them for me and my family. (Hmm - heart warming - that is an expression for northern temperate zones isn't it, along with the positive view of "the sunny side of the street" - I wonder what you make of us here, now that you spend more time, with your wife, in Europe. Maybe we will get time to discuss that at some point)
Thank you for lifting my spirits and for being such a wise and valued friend, I echo your greetings and encouragement and generous kind words - and wish you (and all those you love) all that you would wish yourselves for 2011.
Pamela